by Fern Shaw | Dec 15, 2014 | Uncategorized
We all know that the December month just lends itself towards often bizarre and excessive silly behaviour and the corny jokes about Father Christmas, reindeer, Santa Claus and decorations abound. I, for one, have a particular fondness for the ultimate corny joke. Number one that tops my list is still this:
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: A fsh.
That aside, before you get yourself all het up and in a total panic about what still has to be done, bought, arranged, wrapped, and you end up relying on a joke repertoire from inside your Christmas crackers (which in my book are not even corny, but just pathetic), here’s a bit of festive cheer coming your way:
Stages of Christmas
When you consider Christmas, there are four stages in your life:
1) You believe in Father Christmas
2) You don’t believe in Father Christmas
3) You are Father Christmas
4) You look like Father Christmas
Christmas Warnings
23 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
39 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and an Honest Lawyer
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
Another Funny Christmas Picture – Santa Claus Sledge Needs a Tow
Santa Claus’ sledge broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, ‘Can you help me fix my sledge, please?’
‘Sorry,’ the motorist replied, ‘I’m not a mechanic – I’m a podiatrist.’
‘In that case,’ retorted Santa, ‘Can you give me a tow?’
Christmas Riddles
Q: What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?
A: ‘This will sleigh you.’
Q: What’s Christmas called in England?
A: Yule Britannia!
And my personal festive favourite:
Q: What goes ‘oh oh oh?’
A: Santa walking backwards.
Before I leave my station lurking at the office water cooler, I’d like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and in the words of Tiny Tim from the classic Charles Dickens tale, A Christmas Carol, “God bless us, Everyone!”
by Fern Shaw | Nov 12, 2014 | Uncategorized
There’s something special about making people laugh, whether it’s around the water cooler at the office, with our mates at the pub or in front of a room full of strangers.
One of our AquAid employees, Martin Huburn, does just that. During the day he does admin at our Birmingham Branch and by night tells gags and stories at comedy nights up and down the country.
“I’ve been involved with entertainment since I was about 4 years old, my sister and I both performed in several dance and gymnastic productions at the Old Rep theatre as kids.
In my teens, I got into American style wrestling and turned professional at 17. I moved to the USA when I was 22 and tried out for some of the bigger wrestling organisations. I didn’t quite make it and returned home in 2007. After 17 years of abuse to the body – broken nose 5 times, 2 concussions and a broken finger nail, I decided enough was enough and retired from wrestling in 2009.
After leaving wrestling, I needed something to fill the void but I had no idea what I wanted to do, until October 2012. My mum bought me tickets to go and see John Bishop at Birmingham’s NIA.
I laughed so hard, the show lasted about 2 hours and I was on a journey into John’s perception of the world, I’d forgot about my though
ts and feelings and felt so good.
Why does laughter make us feel better? They say that laughter is good medicine, but why is it that laughing at people’s misunderstandings, turmoil and observations can be so relieving? Is it the reassurance that sometimes other people see the world how we see it but we might be a little nervous saying it out loud because we may come across a bit, you know, odd.
This is when I decided, this is what I want to do, I want to have a go at standing up in front of a room full of people and attempt to make them laugh at the many surreal experiences I’ve had.
In March 2013, I booked myself in to do a 10 minute section at an Open Mic comedy night in the West Midlands.
In 1997, I went to Amsterdam and had a surreal experience and it’s a story I’d told many times. I whittled it down to a 10 minute story and told it on stage.
It wasn’t my best gig, but the audience laughed at the parts that were supposed to be laughed at, which is always good and I was hooked.
Since then I’ve done about 90+ stand up gigs, 8 of those at the Edinburgh festival, performed my debut stand up show “Who’s Stolen my Dream” at the Nottingham Comedy festival and entered several competitions which I’ve placed 3rd, three times at well established amateur comedian competitions.
Over the last couple of years, I’ve realised how important it is for people to have hobbies and dreams. It’s what defines our character. As a chocolate commercial once said, Work, rest and I likes Armadillo’s (one for the kids).
We put a lot of emphasis on work and rest, but it’s important to let our hair down once in a while.”
Feel free to follow Martin on Twitter at @mhuburn
by Fern Shaw | Nov 7, 2014 | Uncategorized
by Fern Shaw | Nov 5, 2014 | Uncategorized
Remember remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
Should ever be forgot …
and if you don’t recognise or remember this rhyme, I have to ask, where have you been for the – oh, last hundred years or so?
I’ve just come fresh from a night of Halloween trick or treating and am preparing myself for the 5th of November. As a kid this was never a problem. The parents bought boxes of fireworks, family came round, night fell and fireworks were lit. The gorgeous night sky in the countryside where we lived lit up with sparkling brilliance in ice whites, yellows, greens, reds, blues and my favourite, purple. We didn’t build a bonfire or burn an effigy (perhaps we were a bit less bloodthirsty, not sure), but those evenings still hold some of my best memories.
If you are one of the ones that have no idea of what Guy Fawkes is about, let me draw your attention to Messrs. Wiki:
Guy Fawkes Night, also known as Guy Fawkes Day, Bonfire Night and Firework Night, is an annual commemoration observed on 5 November, primarily in Great Britain.
Its history begins with the events of 5 November 1605, when Guy Fawkes, a member of the Gunpowder Plot, was arrested while guarding explosives the plotters had placed beneath the House of Lords. Celebrating the fact that King James I had survived the attempt on his life, people lit bonfires around London, and months later the introduction of the Observance of 5th November Act enforced an annual public day of thanksgiving for the plot’s failure.
There is a lot more history to do with Guy Fawkes, pages of the stuff, but you have the bare bones of it for now.
What I have noticed over the years is that the day itself has morphed into something of a trial for many people and in many cases, understandably so. Apart from human beings seeming to sometimes have an in-built twit gene (setting off fireworks in an enclosed space; near flammable materials and nowhere near water and allowing children to light fireworks unmonitored), the effect that the explosions have on animals is pretty devastating and horrific + they don’t get to have a say in the matter.
So, sadly, I must say, that although I’ve always really loved fireworks and would love to celebrate the day in style, this has been tempered over the years with a responsibility towards our four legged friends and I no longer buy or set off fireworks.
by Fern Shaw | Oct 23, 2014 | Uncategorized
The giblets in our family were brought up with that stiff upper lip type of manner. No unnecessary emotion, no displays of passion and most definitely no blubbing = crying. Tears were not on. Of course if you were physically hurt (hurt equating to you being starkers wrapped in barbed wire or having a log jammed underneath your fingernails), then a few discreet tears were allowed, but a good old weep, tears falling copiously, not so much.
If you don’t believe me, take it from a rather famous Englishman, Charles Darwin. When it came to solving the riddle of the peacock’s tail, Charles Darwin’s powers of evolutionary deduction were second to none – the more extravagant their feathered displays, he reasoned, the greater their chances of attracting a peahen. But when he tried to account for the human propensity to weep, Darwin found himself at a loss. “We must look at weeping as an incidental result, as purposeless as the secretion of tears from a blow outside the eye,” he wrote in 1872.
The illustration, by the by, is of Alice in The Pool of Tears, drawn by John Tenniel.
All of this aside though, are humans the only creatures that cry because of emotion? Blogista Shaw took to the virtual pavement to find out.
As Mr Darwin must have figured out, humans shed tears for a number of reasons – to keep the eye lubricated inside the socket; to eject foreign matter and to protect the eye and although crying has been documented in apes, elephants and even camels, it seems that only humans produce emotional tears, and it is only in humans that crying behaviours persist into adulthood.
It makes sense that a baby or toddler cries as this will (usually) invoke a response in the parent and in olden times (like waaaaay back) although in certain situations weeping could be risky, it is far less risky than screaming or emitting some other loud acoustic signal. This is particularly true in the case of interactions at close quarters.
This according to Ad Vingerhoets, a Dutch psychologist, “When other animals grow old, most no longer emit distress signals, presumably because it is too dangerous. By contrast, in humans there is a shift from the acoustic signal, emitted in all directions, toward the visual signal of tears, which especially fit closer, more intimate interactions.”
So, there we have it. Not only does it seems as if we’re the only creatures that do cry from emotion, but we’ve turned it into an art form and carried it through into adulthood.
That said, I can’t deny that having a good old cry really does make me feel heaps better, if somewhat wrung out and looking like I’ve just come out of a 2 day bender.
by Fern Shaw | Oct 6, 2014 | Uncategorized
I’ve just blogged about ginger. Prior to that I blogged about garlic. These were all for a series to do with spices and herbs from nature that actually have the most incredible medicinal benefits almost irrespective of the form that you ingest them in.
In the ginger blog I mentioned chocolate. Say it with much reverence now, ‘Choc o lutttt’, ‘CHOCOLATE!’ Would it surprise you to know that real chocolate too has the most incredible healthy (yup!) benefits too?
It’s true! We all know the memes about how blah, blah, chocolate is a vegetable, chocolate is actually good for you; the good news here is, that, this too is true. However! Yes, there’s a caveat that comes with chocolate that’s not there with garlic or ginger. There has to be, of course, nothing that tastes this good could possibly come without one.
And the caveats are these:
Depending on who you’re speaking to – the Americans, the British or the French, what you may think is chocolate, is not actually chocolate, but ‘candy’.
The American FDA requires a minimum of 10% cocoa solids for it to be called chocolate; the FSA in the U.K. calls for 35% cocoa solids and the French call for 70%. This means that unless you have those minimum percentages in your sweet treat, you’re not actually eating chocolate, but candy.
This also means that you won’t be gaining any of the purported health benefits that I mentioned earlier. It’s not all bad news though!
- Eating dark chocolate every day reduces the risk of heart disease by one third.
- Chocolate has an anti-bacterial effect on the mouth and protect against tooth decay.
- Research points to flavanols, mentioned below – substances that help lower blood pressure and vascular function, improve cognitive function and even provide UV protection for our skin. Dark chocolate has a higher proportion of flavanols than milk chocolate.
- These have physiological effects on the body and are linked to serotonin levels in the brain.
Here’s the nitty gritty stuff: Cocoa solids are one of the richest sources of flavanol antioxidants. They also contain alkaloids such as theobromine, phenethylamine and caffeine. The presence of theobromine renders chocolate toxic to some animals, especially dogs and cats, so please don’t think you’re doing your Snookums or Ruff any favours by giving them chocolate – you’re actually feeding them the equivalent of poison.
I’ll be blogging more about chocolate in the future – as it’s a vaaaaast subject – but for now, I’ll be spreading the good word around the water cooler and perhaps starting a ‘A Pound for the Blogista’s Health’ fund in order for me to be able to buy real chocolate in order to improve my cognitive function and therefore allowing me to keep on bringing you such pearls of wisdom. Think it’ll work? Let’s give it a week.
